Monthly Archives: October 2014

A long list of Jokes for “Geeks”

Anyone who knows me well knows that I:

  1. like Lists,
  2. like unfunny jokes,
  3. have a unique sense of humour
  4. have T-shirts made to order with slogans I like.

speed limit

I thought I would share with you geeky jokes that I have collected over time. Some aren’t funny enough therefore don’t make it on my list, all the others have passed the chuckle-groan test. If I get either response it goes on my list, otherwise I find myself trying to explain it.

Maybe this is why the other seven cmx guys always ask “its not one of your jokes is it” When I ask them if they have a moment.

I have copied and seen some of these so I do not claim any credit whatsoever, or blame.

Have you heard of CDO? It’s like OCD but the letters are in the right order – as they should be!

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It’s a hardware problem.

A SEO couple had twins. For the first time they were happy with duplicate content.

Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?
Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC

Why do they call it hyper text?
Too much JAVA.

Why was the JavaScript developer sad?
Because he didn’t Node how to Express himself

In order to understand recursion you must first understand recursion.

Why do Java developers wear glasses? Because they can’t C#

What do you call 8 hobbits?
A hobbyte

Why did the developer go broke?
Because he used up all his cache

Why did the geek add body { padding-top: 1000px; } to his Facebook profile?
He wanted to keep a low profile.

An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, pub, tavern, public house, Irish pub, drinks, beer, alcohol

I would tell you a UDP joke, but you might not get it.

8 bytes walk into a bar, the bartenders asks “What will it be?”
One of them says, “Make us a double.”

Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, “Are you ill?”
The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”

These two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, “So what’ll it be?”
The first string says, “I think I’ll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu”
“Please excuse my friend,” the second string says, “He isn’t null-terminated.”

“Knock, knock. Who’s there?”
very long pause… “Java.”

If you put a million monkeys on a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program. The rest of them will write Perl programs.

There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.

There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.

What goes “Pieces of seven. Pieces of seven.”? A Parroty error.

Here is an oldie but a goodie.  When a total n00b joins the team you start talking about dropped packets, give them a floor tile puller and tell them to go find the missing packets in the data center and put them back in queue.

An object-oriented version of COBOL has just been released – it’s called ADD 1 TO COBOL.

“Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.”

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

What did the one Object say to the other Object? “I do not approve of your methods!”

What did the one Object say to the other Object? “Oh, so you think you’re in a Class of your own?”

What did the one Object say to the other Object? “So, what did you inherit?”

What do you call a sub-net of Mac products with class-less I.P addresses? Apple C.I.D.R

A DHCP packet stands on the street corner and says hello hello hello.

DNS is the root of all problems

A SQL statement walks in a restaurant and sees two tables then ask if he can join them.

A DHCP packet walks in a bar asks for a beer, waiter says ok but I’ll need it back in an hour.

A multicast packet walks into a bar, and then leaves out all the doors and windows at once.

An OSPF packet walks in a bar, asks for a beer waiter says “here just don’t leave the area with it”

There is a helicopter flying over Washington thick fog comes in they can’t see. They have some VIP passengers, and there running low on fuel. A clearing in the fog appears in it there is a high-rise building. They pull up close to it; co pilot writes on a piece of paper where are we? A Small group of people gather around, with a small whiteboard. They draw in a helicopter.

The pilot then takes off, about five minutes later they land just as the fuel runs out. The co pilot asks the pilot how did you do that. Pilot easy the people at that building there answer was totally correct, but totally useless, so I knew that it was the Microsoft support building and from there airport is 2 miles east.

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

“House” for instance, is feminine: “la casa.”

“Pencil,” however, is masculine: “el lapiz.”

A student asked, “What gender is ‘computer’?”

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (“la computadora”), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is impossible to understand for everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval;

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women’s group concluded that computers should be masculine (“el computador”), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem;

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model.